I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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