bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
