I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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