Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
