i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
