Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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