You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
