I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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