Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
