Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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