Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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