Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
