just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
