WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
