There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize