Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Still dying that you shit outside
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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