Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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