We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
