Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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