I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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