I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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