it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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