found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
