God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize