you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
