writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
