Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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