Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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