He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
