My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
