Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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