We won't sleep together?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
