The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
