So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
