I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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