I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
