jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
