Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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