i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I party with great urgency now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
