I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
