Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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