Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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