those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
