fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
