if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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