I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
