Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
