Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
