What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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