did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
