we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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