why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
