she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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