someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
