i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
