listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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