I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
