Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
