I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
