I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My balls are so social today.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
