I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
