Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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