Don't make out with my wife yet
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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